Dilemna

Dear Internet,

I have a problem. A dilemma really. And here's the thing. It shouldn't be a problem. Or a dilemma. Because it actually is solving a problem.

Let me explain...ever since I started working, perhaps even before, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. Being a working mom seemed like so much, well...work. Maintaining the house and going to the grocery store and making dinner AND working a full-time job?? How on Earth was that to be done?

And I did it. For 19 months, I did it. And I hated it. I hated that I couldn't go to the grocery store after work because I had to pick up Sam at daycare. And even on the days when she was with grandma, I would go to the store after work, rushing because I felt guilty. She had been with grandma all day, and now I was taking up her evening too. I hated that there was never enough time for anything, and I never got to play with my kid, and how I was always tired.

Well guess what? I am going back to work. I had hoped that this wouldn't be my original plan, I had hoped that we could swing it with me staying at home and losing my income. And then we realized that wasn't feasible, not yet anyway. We just spend too much money. And aren't willing to stop.

The great thing is that while on leave, my work has implemented a flex schedule. So I get to work from home 50% of the time now! Yay!!! I get to bring in an income, spend time with adults, and also spend time with my kids. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Right.

Here is where my dilemma comes in. I have guilt. Because I am ready to go back to work. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I lay there, awake, knowing that I should shower because this is my chance to do that before the girls wake up. Yet I don't. I lay down every chance I get during the day because I am just. so. tired. I rarely play with the girls, I watch the clock to see when the next feeding time or nap time is. This is not the quality time I had hoped for. But I just can't help myself. I know that when I have to go back to work, I HAVE to get out of bed. I have to shower. (at least half of the time) I have to get something done during the day. And I am looking forward to that.

As it turns out, I think that I might be one of the worst stay-at-home-moms ever. My house is a pit, we have no food...much less dinner on the table, and poor Sam just wanders around looking for trouble to get into. I float from day to day, hoping the next day will be better, but not doing anything to change it. Therein lies the guilt. I feel guilty that I don't want to spend this time with my kids. I feel guilty that I can't wait for them to take their naps so I can nap or play on the internet. I feel guilty that I have wasted the past 2 months being lazy.

I am not sure of the delusions I have about going back to work. I will have help, even more than I have had in the past. So I am looking forward to that. I need to get my life in order, but at times, it feels like such a mess I just lay down and take a nap. It's easier that way.