I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Which I think I do every. single. morning. (Maybe I should start sleeping on the other side of the bed.) My mom isn’t a morning person, so I never really thought much of the fact that I don’t think I ever once have jumped out of bed, excited for my day. Even on my wedding day, I wanted to push snooze. Just a few more minutes! I feel like I’ve been sleep-deprived my whole life, although if I started eating healthy and exercising, that might help things. Or not.
This morning started off with a Charley Horse. OH THE PAIN! I rolled around in bed for a minute and then got up. I think that was God’s way of telling me that I went to bed in a bad mood last night, and to straighten up today. But does He understand why I was in a bad mood??? Let me attempt to explain.
I’ve never been comfortable in social situations. I never knew what to talk to kids my own age about, and whatever conversation I tried to make wound up being boring and awkward. (Strangely enough, I never really had that problem with adults.) Even when I was a kid, I never knew what to do with kids littler than me. Still really don’t. Anyway, as a teenager I discovered the joys of alcohol. Alcohol was great because it lowered your inhibitions, making you not care as much what other people thought about what you were saying, and honestly, they didn’t really care what you were saying either. It was my saving grace in high school & college.
I was telling my doctor once how I was not the type of person who could hang out with a bunch of people who were drinking and not drink. I would rather stay home alone than be the designated driver. She told me that was a “red flag.” Thanks Dr. B. On top of everyone else, I might have alcoholic tendencies. (although I've always comforted myself because I can't drink through a hangover, so I could never be a "real" alcoholic) I just can’t handle drunk people unless I am drunk, because in reality, I can’t handle people unless I am drunk. Red flag or not, my pregnancy is not helping my social phobias. Because I can’t medicate myself with alcohol, and I definitely can’t medicate myself with a Xanex.
This all came to a head last night, when I remembered something my parents and sister had told me over the weekend. My memory of college, my happiest times, were spent at the piano bar at the Neon Cactus with Bruce Barker. Some people were really into their Greek parties, others had killer house parties, I had my bar. I hung out with the same groups of people, who I only knew their first names, if at all. My friends were also there, as well as Workaholic. There were many nights when he had to drag me home. I would walk in, and the waitress who loved us would immediately come over and make sure of our drink order. And they kept coming all. night. long. Or I could walk up to a bar where people were four deep and get instant service. It was great times. When I moved to where I live now, I couldn’t understand how all the bars were the same boring thing…I had only ever been to college bars. You just sit and drink?? No entertainment?? I don’t get it. I would MUCH rather go see Bruce than go out to any bar in Chicago or any bar here at home. It’s a comfort thing. (like my food yesterday)
Over the weekend, I found out that my piano man Bruce is retiring. I remember him telling Workaholic and I that he had signed an 11 year contract, about that long ago. So I am guessing there is no contract extension, he is going to retire and raise his kids. I think he is in his mid-40s. (must be nice!) All I heard is that “this is his last year.”
What does that MEAN??? Is he going until December? Is he going until the end of the 2011 school year?? Will I EVER get to drink with him AGAIN?? Will I EVER have fun again??
A few weeks after I gave birth to Sam, I called up my best friend and just cried and cried and cried. I told her it felt like I would NEVER AGAIN have fun. Life was miserable, I didn’t sleep, and I would never again be able to enjoy myself. And life is a different kind of fun now. I laugh at my kid, but I don’t go to concerts, or bars, or any of the other stuff we used to do. (I’m just too tired!) That stuff takes planning, and going to see Bruce generally doesn’t. Well, it didn’t used to anyway. He is there Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights, every weekend, except on holidays. And now he won’t be there anymore. And my main source of fun is gone. Forever.
I am hoping that I will be able to arrange a couple of trips down to see Bruce before he is finished. And maybe, now that he is released from weekly obligation, he’ll do random shows at bars…I know he used to go out to Vegas once a month or so. If not, I’ll always have my memories. I just feel sorry for the poor kids who will go to Purdue in the future (like my nephew!) and never get to know Piano Man Bruce.
I have to know though...am I the only one who feels this way? Am I the only one who loves their kid with all their heart but just wishes that a small part of me still could do all of those carefree (and stupid) things I used to do? How do I get past this???