Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'm Just Trying to Help

Since K is leaving us in May, we are on the hunt for a new nanny for the girls. We've had some good applicants, and then, well...there are some others. Below is a helpful list of what NOT to say if you are applying for a job with a family.

  • If the title of the job is "Live-In Nanny" or "Live-Out Nanny", please do not respond and say, "It sounds like a perfect job for me, except for the Live-in/Live-out part. There is a reason that is the TITLE OF THE JOB.
  • The proper spelling of the shortened version of advertisement is "ad". Not add. ADD is a form of developmental disorder.
  • If you are a smoker, don't apply for a nanny job that states only non-smokers should apply.
  • Don't apply for a live-in position if you have your own kids, that you want to bring with you. Enough said.
  • Use punctuation. And spell check. And proper grammer. i.e. YOUR is not spelled ur. I am is not abbreviated im. The beginning of every sentence should start with a capital letter.
  • Don't offer childcare in your home if the ad specifically states an in-home nanny is desired. The parents have probably looked into daycare before, and prefer not to have to drag their kids out of bed in the morning and get them ready to take them to someone else's house.
  • Do NOT complain about your current job when responding to an ad. You come across as whiny.
  • Do not tell me about your physical ailments when I am asking you to care for two children under the age of two. If you have a back problem you feel is necessary to tell me about, then this job may not be for you.
Thanks, and you are welcome.

Yep, I'm Venting Again

I've written before about how I don't handle change well. Change translates to stress, and I don't do that well either. My mom says I come by it honestly, as my dad tends to freak out when things go the way of the unexpected.

What I didn't realize, and learned this morning by a nice (virtual) slap in the face, is that I also don't like changes to my routine. At all. Unless they are on my terms. 

For whatever reason, Sam woke up around 4am crying for daddy. So of course, I woke him up. (what else was I supposed to do?) So you know what he does? Brings her in bed with us. Let me explain that we do not co-sleep. I don't even want to begin the process of my kids crawling in bed with us at all hours of the night. Because, as I have written about before, I need my sleep.

And within 30 seconds of Sam falling back asleep in our bed, Workaholics alarm goes off. So he gets up, and leaves Sam in my bed. How exactly am I supposed to get ready if I am tiptoeing around a 2 year old, trying to not wake her so she'll sleep until 9am??

I get up and feed the dogs, and at this point I usually walk them. However, I am not comfortable leaving Sam free to roam the house should she wake up. (she normally is still in a crib) I ask Workaholic if he'll stay until I get back from my walk and am promptly shot down. He needs to get to work.

So I say screw it, and take the walk anyway. Fuming the whole way, pissed off that Fonz is wandering into my neighbors' backyards, and pissed off that Kale has decided that he must try to eat every earthworm on the sidewalk. (Did I mention it has rained for days? Which means that every earthworm in the ground has decided to die on the sidewalk?) Do you know how disgusting it is to see a black 10 week old puppy look up at you when you call his name with a worm dangling from his snout? Vomit. I am also pissed that he doesn't seem to want to walk on a leash; as it is totally realistic that I expect a 10 week old puppy to heel perfectly at my side.

I got home, got in the shower, and have managed to make it to my office in the basement without waking the kids. So all of my freaking out was for no good reason. I don't know why I haven't learned by now that my freaking out is generally for no good reason.

I am getting a massage today. All I can say is that I can. not. wait.

Friday, April 15, 2011

He Really Does Exist

One of my facebook friends is in the Cayman Islands this week. And he has been posting all kinds of wonderful things like, :"HEAVEN" and "Just got back to my room and there were 4 beers waiting for me on ice" and "I so needed this vacation". (like the rest of us don't need one!) Anyway, most of the time when I have been reading his posts I resist the urge to reach through my computer screen and wring his now-well-tanned neck, because I am sure that he really DID need the vacation and I shouldn't take my stress out on an ex-boyfriend who likes to gloat on facebook about how he is in the lap of luxury, and really maybe I should just go and get a massage.

My point it, one of his posts was this picture, accompanied by him saying, "I DARE you to tell me God doesn't exist."

The whole God existing question is not even a presence in my mind, I know He does and that is just that. But every once in a while, He likes to remind me.

Shortly after I had Samantha, I wrote this post.  I hadn't been getting much sleep since she was born, and I got 8 hours right when I needed it. And then, at 7 1/2 weeks, Sam started sleeping through the night. Had she gone any longer, I don't know how much more I would have been able to take. I need my sleep, otherwise I might get all crazy on my kid. So God made her sleep and she has been a sleeping champ ever since.

Last weekend, I got a new puppy. His name is Kale and he is 9 weeks old. And guess what? He doesn't sleep through the night. I have to get up and let him out once. But the weird thing? Charlie was sporadically waking at night, usually around 3:30am, pissed off at something. I never would pick her up, usually just pop the pacifier back in her mouth or cover her up or roll her from her stomach to her back since she refuses to do that herself. But still...I was randomly getting up at 3:30 am.

And now? Charlie is sleeping through the night. So I don't have to get up with her at 3:30am, and then with Kale whenever he decides that he has to pee. (And then NOT want to go back to sleep.)

Also? Charlie always got up before 7am. Always. She would wake up in a great fucking mood and I would have to get up, change her diaper, feed her, and then usually start my day. But now, my day starts at 6am anyway, because a certain 9 week old Flat Coat wants to get up at that time. But Charlie? Has now decided to sleep in until almost 8am. Which. Is. Awesome. 

Because that way, I can take the dogs for a walk, and feed them, and then take them back outside without having to worry about Charlie. I don't worry that she'll get up while I am gone, she gives me the time to take care of the pups and the cat and shower and get ready. Then she wakes up. It is kind of awesome.

Now, I am not even going to pretend that my children have some sort of super power that tells them how to help their mom out when she really needs it. And while I do think there is such a thing as luck, and karma, but I would much rather chalk it up to the fact that God does really exist. And the proof is in that He has made it possible for me to have this new puppy and not lose my mind. And for that, I'll thank Him in my prayers every night.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Random Thoughts

I was so worried about getting a post out introducing Kale, that I haven't really written anything much lately. This is what I have been thinking.

Xanex fixes everything. Can't sleep? Xanex. Nervous about a test? Xanex. Want to beat your child/dog/mother/boss? Xanex. See? It fixes everything.

Why does everyone love puppy breath? It is disgusting. I don't understand why everyone goes gaga over it.

I never thought I would be THAT person who was addicted to their smart phone. Yeah, I was wrong.

Kale was NOT the first name I considered for my our new puppy. Some other options were Kade, Kai, Angus, Harry, and Clyde. I think that Workaholic has decided to call him Clyde, which means Sam will too. Great.

K is leaving us in a month. We do not yet have a replacement for her. And yet I am not panicking. This is what I keep telling myself. Everything WILL work out.

I think when Workaholic blew up the TV, he also blew up my adding machine, my shredder, and my space heater. Which, ironically, I think is what caused the TV to blow up. I miss my space heater.

Am I the only one who has lived in a house for less than 6 years and needed to entirely repaint it? Yes? Oh.

I tend to judge people on their landscaping. Like, if it is totally out of control and overgrown, I think, "Wow, those people really should work on their landscaping. What is wrong with them?" And then I look at my yard, and think, "Uh, oops."

I haven't finished my taxes yet. Yes, I am a dumbass.

I play Wordfeud regularly on my phone. And yes, I cheat. Deal with it.

I am wondering if I should be concerned that I don't know where Clyde is right now. Oh shit...


Remember the other day when I was talking about being stressed?

Anticipation of this is the reason I was stressed.
His name is Kale and he is a Flat-Coated Retriever. And he is 9 weeks old.
Isn't he cute??
He is finding his way in the family...

And Fonz is doing his best to tolerate him. While putting him in his place. And demanding just as many treats as Kale gets.

We are figuring out his place in the house, specifically, figuring out how to get him to sleep without crying in his crate at night. Workaholic is not so happy with being woken up by a crying (very loudly) puppy. And for that matter, neither am I.

But other than that, he is doing fantastic. Only a couple of accidents, none his fault, and nothing destroyed. Yet. Let the chaos ensue!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I do not handle stress well. I also do not handle change well...and stress due to change is the worst.

We have lots of stress due to changes going on around our house.  And even though (with the exception of K leaving us) the changes are good, for the better, I don't know how to handle everything.

The weeks before I got married, I wasn't the excited, bubbling bride-to-be. I was a bitch. I was so stressed about how everything was going to go and all the details and the planning, I wasn't focusing on the fact that I was marrying the man I loved.

The months after, I was also a bitch. Because I was stressed out about writing thank you notes.

And now? I am being a bitch.

I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I knew how to handle all of this. I wish I knew how everything was going to turn out.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


A few weeks ago, not too long after our snowmobile caught on fire, our TV sort of did the same thing.

I came home, and our beautifully large, wonderful TV from our basement was sitting in the garage.

Apparently, we "somehow" lost a negative in the basement wiring, and there was a humming sound. And then a sound like the air was being let out of a balloon. And then a loud pop. And then smoke.

And Sam was right there.

Ever since, she has developed a fear complex. Of pretty much anything. I have been able to convince her that big trucks stay in the road and she is safe in the house. I also calmed her nighttime fears by letting Sampson sleep with her.

But anything unexpected, anything loud, anything big, scares her. And she cries and wants to be held.  Which I guess is understandable.

But I am not sure how to get her past this. Is it just a matter of time? Do I need to reassure her and eventually she'll grow out of it and realize that the world is full of big, scary, unexpected noises?

We are renovating a new cottage in Michigan that we just bought. And I took her over there today so she could see daddy and papa and her two uncles at work. But between the table saw, the nail gun, and the drill, I about pushed her over the edge. We left and she was saying, "Papa come home soon, stop making loud noise. I no like it."

If you ask her what happened to the TV, she'll tell you, "TV no stop smoking. Sam scared, got paier."

I hope that she isn't permanently traumatized from the TV. Hopefully once we turn the lights back on in the basement and start watching TV down there again all will be well. I hope.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Words for Women to Live By

I got this as a forwarded e-mail this morning. And while I know most of you have probably already seen it at some point, it struck a chord with me and I felt the need to share. That and this whole thing is my new mantra.

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe (or shirt) fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons - buy some Coronas.

12. Forget about the perfect man - he's living in San Fran with his boyfriend.

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

Have a great day everyone!!