Thursday, October 28, 2010
I listen to it on the radio. But I don't have the patience to sit down and download songs I like and put them on my ipod and then organize them into playlists. I don't even know where my ipod is.
But I do have songs and bands that I like. Like, a lot. And I'll listen to them over and over and over again.
Like Jo Dee Meccina's song "I'm Allright." I always wanted to karoke it, but never had the guts.
And pretty much anything by Guns N' Roses. It got me through middle school. 'Nuff said.
"American Pie" by Don McLean. It is just a great song, and makes me think of the Piano Bar whenever I hear it.
Garth Brooks makes me reminisce for high school. As does The Offspring...specifically those songs "Come Out and Play" and "Self Esteem". OK, maybe those were good times...not bad times. But still.
Even if you aren't totally all about music, everyone always has a favorite song that might make them tear up or smile. What is yours?
Like my thighs, or my butt, or my housekeeping abilities, or my cooking abilities, or my social awkwardness, or how I never pick up my dog's poop. (in my own yard...or my parent's or in-law's yards...I always pick it up when he dumps on a walk!)
However, I think I'll take a different approach and go with my laundry abilities.
You see, I'm a bit particular about laundry.
I don't like the baskets to get too full.
I don't like to wash Workaholic's clothes with mine and the girls.
I use two settings, and have a panic attack if I see anyone using anything other than those two settings.
I measure out the soap, unlike my mother and mother-in-law.
I pride myself on always having clean clothes.
It's weird, I know. Which is maybe why no one ever compliments me on it.
Workaholic will, however, thank the laundry fairy every once in a while. He likes how she picks up his clothes, washes and dries them, and puts them back in the closet. He doesn't think it is me, because he never sees me do it. So obviously, it must be the laundry fairy.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I have a problem. A dilemma really. And here's the thing. It shouldn't be a problem. Or a dilemma. Because it actually is solving a problem.
Let me explain...ever since I started working, perhaps even before, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. Being a working mom seemed like so much, well...work. Maintaining the house and going to the grocery store and making dinner AND working a full-time job?? How on Earth was that to be done?
And I did it. For 19 months, I did it. And I hated it. I hated that I couldn't go to the grocery store after work because I had to pick up Sam at daycare. And even on the days when she was with grandma, I would go to the store after work, rushing because I felt guilty. She had been with grandma all day, and now I was taking up her evening too. I hated that there was never enough time for anything, and I never got to play with my kid, and how I was always tired.
Well guess what? I am going back to work. I had hoped that this wouldn't be my original plan, I had hoped that we could swing it with me staying at home and losing my income. And then we realized that wasn't feasible, not yet anyway. We just spend too much money. And aren't willing to stop.
The great thing is that while on leave, my work has implemented a flex schedule. So I get to work from home 50% of the time now! Yay!!! I get to bring in an income, spend time with adults, and also spend time with my kids. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Right.
Here is where my dilemma comes in. I have guilt. Because I am ready to go back to work. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I lay there, awake, knowing that I should shower because this is my chance to do that before the girls wake up. Yet I don't. I lay down every chance I get during the day because I am just. so. tired. I rarely play with the girls, I watch the clock to see when the next feeding time or nap time is. This is not the quality time I had hoped for. But I just can't help myself. I know that when I have to go back to work, I HAVE to get out of bed. I have to shower. (at least half of the time) I have to get something done during the day. And I am looking forward to that.
As it turns out, I think that I might be one of the worst stay-at-home-moms ever. My house is a pit, we have no food...much less dinner on the table, and poor Sam just wanders around looking for trouble to get into. I float from day to day, hoping the next day will be better, but not doing anything to change it. Therein lies the guilt. I feel guilty that I don't want to spend this time with my kids. I feel guilty that I can't wait for them to take their naps so I can nap or play on the internet. I feel guilty that I have wasted the past 2 months being lazy.
I am not sure of the delusions I have about going back to work. I will have help, even more than I have had in the past. So I am looking forward to that. I need to get my life in order, but at times, it feels like such a mess I just lay down and take a nap. It's easier that way.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
I like my eyes the best about me, so I guess it is good that is the thing that people compliment me the most on. Ironically, it also seems to be the thing that my girls get complimented the most on.
Sam's eyes are no longer blue, but hazel. And she has beautiful, long eyelashes. People compliment her on her eyelashes and eyes all the time. It also could be that she bats them and smiles and cocks her head to get her way.
Charlie's eyes are still blue. And they are big and wide and filled with wonder. She is really starting to look around and take in the world around her. They get really big when she sees Sam coming, since that usually means she is about to get hurt.
Lately, people have also been complimenting me since I have lost all of my pregnancy weight. Well, all but 3 lbs, but who is really counting? That feels good, but I know that I am still overweight by 20-30 lbs and would love to lose that. If it didn't take exercise, discipline, or monitoring of what I ate. Something tells me I am not going to lose that last 20lbs.
What do people compliment you on?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
You need to get out of my life.
I have had it up to here with your poking and prodding and constant presence.
You know who you are.
You've done your damndest to bother me and bug me and keep me awake at night.
But it is time to move on. Go back where you came from.
Yep, I'm talking to you, nursing bras. Go back in the bin, I'm through with you.
I totally believe in that e-mail.
There are lots of people that I used to work with who I thought would be my best friends for the rest of my life. And then we didn't work together anymore, and that was that.
I had a great time with a lot of those people. I can think of one in particular who was there for me during a tough time. He just hung out with me, partied with me, and was my constant companion who kept me from getting too lonely. (and no, not talking about Fonz this time)
But time passes, and it is just impossible to keep in touch with every single person who you have met in your life. There isn't enough time in the day to maintain all of those friendships.
Now, I have certain friends from college who I may only see once every couple of years. We keep touch on facebook and through e-mails when someone gets married or has a kid. But I know that those girls will always be my friends. We may have drifted from each other's every day lives, but we know that we can dial the phone and pick right up where we left off.
So while lots have drifted, that's just life. If someone has drifted, there probably is a reason. Not necessarily anything good or bad, just life. The true friends will stick around, and even if you don't see or talk to them much, they are still true friends. And that is what I love about life.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Pretty much every boyfriend I ever had made my life hell at some point, and they all definitely treated me like shit.
I think it is part of the marathon of dating and finding your true match.
I think it is part of growing up and learning about yourself.
Because I can promise you that I dished out my own hell, and have treated people like shit. I am often thoughtless like that.
I try not to do that anymore. I am sure that I have done it though. It is all part of becoming the person that you want your kids to think you are.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
My someone who has made my life worth living is my dog, Kabo, or The Fonz.
Strange? Perhaps. But I got him when I was 21, and it is safe to say that the time between I was 21 and 26 was tough on me.
And he was there, every minute of it. I had to get out of bed for him. I had to work if for no other reason to feed him and house him. So yes, I have a wonderful husband and two awesome daughters, but Fonz got me through to this point.
When I was pregnant with Sam, someone pissed me off. And I wrote this post about Kabo. And that is why he has made my life worth living.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I hope I never have to bury a child.
I watched that new Jimmy Smits show "Outlaw" the other night, and he was defending a woman who forgot her daughter in the car, and the baby died.
The line that has stuck in my mind the past few days is when the medical examiner was descibing the autopsy, and he said that the girl had ulcers on her vocal chords. From screaming.
The thing that terrifies me about this is that it can happen to anyone. There is real medical science that shows when you get in the car to go to work, you get in a zone. You don't even know that you are driving to work. And if you are sleep-deprived, stressed, and have something else distracting you, it is like the perfect storm. That is how it happens. More than what people know.
I saw on Oprah tips to keep this from happening, like always putting your purse or briefcase in the back of the car, next to the carseat. So you are forced to open that back door, and hopefully would notice if you got to work and your kid was in the carseat.
I read a couple of blogs of people who have lost a child, and no matter how it happens, burying your baby is THE WORST thing that can possibly happen to a mom.
So yeah, that is something I hope I never have to do.
Lately, my big thing is that I want to take a trip(s) out West. No need to leave the good ol' USofA, there is tons to see here and everyone speaks English!
I want to see the Grand Canyon and Mount Rushmomre, and visit Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, and stay on a ranch in Wyoming. I want to go snow skiing in Colorado and California and Utah. I want to go to Oregon and Seattle. I also want to go to Montana, if only to drive on the roads there that have no speed limit. And I want to go on a winery tour in California, and see Beverly Hills and Malibu and the Pacific Ocean. And of course, I want to go to Las Vegas. I'm sure there is a lot more to see in the West, this is just my short list. Anyone have anything to add??
I better keep working for all of these vacations...11/11 is my first day back.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I knew this about him within about a month of meeting him. And I knew it wasn't ever going to change when I married him.
But still, there are days, nights, weekends, when I get very, very upset with him because he works so much.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
This guy was hanging out outside the student rec center we were parked next to. Pirates??
Dr. Nadene really loved this chick's outfit...white overalls with hand-stamped purple paw prints and purple converse sneakers. Awesome.
This is Ben. This is Ben's dog, Henry. Please take note of Henry's leash...yeah...it's looped around the keg tapper. Awesome.
This Purdue fan was sitting right in front of us. He was all about taking pictures, but why not wear a Purdue shirt?? Boats???
The other thing about Northwestern is that they really like to name things after people. They've got Ryan Field...now, it is totally understandable to name your stadium after someone. I am not sure what those people did to be banished to section 235, but that's besides the point.
Then they have the Leonard B. Thomas Pressbox. And the Otto Graham Wildcat Honor Roll. I am not sure exactly that is...bragging with signs? Really?
I have to publicly thank my in-laws for taking the girls for the weekend. I was able to get two whole nights of sleep, drink without worrying, and we had a really great time.
I would also like to thank Northwestern for the fireworks after the game. Judging by the length and impressiveness of the display, they totally thought they were going to win. We really enjoyed our victory fireworks!!!
When I was little, I loved going to my mom's parents' farm.
I didn't love going to my dad's parents' house.
It wasn't the farm, and I told myself that since they smoked, I would rather be out at the farm, instead of their house "in town.".
I was mean about it, throwing fits like only a youngest child can. And I often got my way.
When my dad's parents passed, I realized only then just how awesome they were.
I regret not spending more time with them, giving them more of a chance.
There is nothing I can do about it now, and they are in heaven, so I doubt they care anymore.
Hopefully I'll see them someday and can make up for it.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I know when whoever created this list picked this topic, they wanted the people to think about themselves inside, something non-superficial. Well...I like the skin on my face. That is the first thing that comes to mind today. The rest of my body, not so much, but the skin on my face is great. I never get zits or clogged pores and it is pretty even toned. I can get away with not wearing make-up if I feel like it. And that makes me happy.
As far as the non-superficial part of myself that I love, well...I love that I know a little about a lot of things. It helps me to make conversation with people who I may normally not have anything to talk to about. I am a wealth of useless knowledge. Just ask my old cubicle neighbor. She'll tell you.
Friday, October 8, 2010
This is the list if you want to add your own:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
When we made the plans to go, I knew that I'd have an infant at home. What I didn't know was that I'd have an infant who didn't sleep through the night and combine that with my pathetic attempt to start taking Zoloft a couple of days before.
When I had Sam, I needed something to help me out after she was born. I wasn't in that mode of wanting to hurt myself or my kid, but I was down and out and cried. A lot. Like...A LOT. So my doctor prescribed me Zoloft, because that is the only thing that pregnant/breastfeeding moms can take for depression. After 3 days, I finally figured out that I didn't have the flu, but it was the side effects from the meds, and I stopped taking them.
This time, I was hoping that the side effects would be lesser. I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't even have side effects. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. I took one pill. One. Pill. And that night, I couldn't sleep. A mother of a 6 week old COULDN'T SLEEP, given the opportunity. The next day, the nausea started, accompanied shortly thereafter by vomiting, and...let's just say that there were other digestive-related side effects as well.
By the middle of the morning, I had decided that Zoloft could go fuck itself and there was NO WAY I was taking another pill. I would rather be depressed. So I didn't. That was Wednesday. Wednesday night, I couldn't sleep either. And I was still nausous, and still, you know. And then Thursday came, and I needed to go to this baseball game and socialize with people who I didn't know.
Thursday I was able to get in a nap, but then we were off to the game. And it was cool, The Cell is a nice park, and there were fireworks when Paul Konerko hit a grand slam. (A GRAND SLAM!! Some people never get to see one in real life, and I was like...oh, that's neat.) I ate a few peanuts and tried to stay warm as the temperature dipped.
But I am going to be honest with you. I was almost in tears more than once. All I could think of was sleep. I was desperate for sleep. I texted Workaholic at one point (when he was about 5 feet away from me) and told him that I was ready to go. I think that was about the 4th inning. I tried to smile and talk to the nice people we were with, but I can't remember any of the conversations, except that I am positive I mentioned sleep more than once in each one. I feel bad, like I shouldn't have been quite so whiny, or kept my mouth shut, or something. But again, all I could think of was sleep. I wanted nothing more than a solid 10 hours of sleep.
We got home around midnight, and, like clockwork, Charlie got up around 3:30am. Of course. I don't really remember Friday, except I still wasn't feeling too hot, and couldn't BELIEVE that ONE PILL could do this to me. And then, Friday night, it happened.
Charlie went to bed around 9pm. And she didn't get up until 7am. The little angel SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT!!! 10 HOURS!!!! And the little shit hasn't done it since. But it has given me hope that she'll be come a champion sleeper soon. Hopefully very, very soon.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The three of us at the game.
Sam wasn't too sure about the fountain, Fonz loves it.
Family photo courtesy of random student who didn't even try to run away with our camera!
Pondering the meaning of life.
And this is how Sam ended her weekend...totally wiped out.
(yes, she WAS weaned off the pacifier, but then Charlie came along and so she steals it whenever she gets a chance)