Thursday, March 10, 2011

My Advice to Kids

Now that I have two kids, I look back at my younger days and think, "Oh shit, if they do anything that I did they are going to wind up in jail." It seems that kids nowadays just can't do anything without getting caught. If they are smart enough to avoid the authorities while doing said stupid shit, they are stupid enough to video it and post it on youtube.

I found this post via Twitter, and had to share it, as well as create my own list. Because I like lists. If you are too lazy to click over, it is life lessons that my all kids need to know.

*** You might want to stop reading now.

1) Taking a Aleve Cold & Sinus and washing it down with a vodka and 7 is not a good idea. It WILL give you a hangover and you will NOT remember what you did that night the next morning. Including but not limited to... how you got home the night before, if you did actually throw up outside the bar, and if you finally told off that ugly chick who always took your seat when you went to pee.

2) Going to a Halloween party as a cop and then waving a pretend gun around in the air is a surefire way to get the police called. And end the party.

3) Speaking of Halloween parties, if you go dressed as a slutty Catholic school girl, people will treat you as though you are a slutty Catholic school girl.

4) When someone stops you on the street and asks you if you have been saved, just say yes. And then run.

5) Learn how to drive a stick shift car and a moped, you never know when this will come in handy.

6) If you tell someone that you are going to put them on a list for a party, PUT THEM ON THE LIST.

7) When someone tells you that you need to stop talking, STOP. You will not "get your point across" if you keep talking.

8) Do not lie to a police officer if he asks if you've been drinking. He knows you have.

9) If you come across a bum fight where they are arguing over whose glass bottles are whose, don't try to step in and "get everyone to calm down."

10) Don't be afraid to read the instructions. That is what they are there for. This includes but is not limited to...tampons, the pill, and condoms. The latter two you will not need until you are out of my house and in college. Not either or...but both.

I hope my girls take my advice to heart...once they are old enough to understand. And only when they are old enough to understand.

PS...I asked a friend for her one thing she'd tell her kids. She said, "Don't get herpes, it doesn't go away." That works on so. many. levels.

No comments: