Wedding Tips That Everyone Should Know

Over the past few months, a couple of people I know have gotten engaged. This is a little weird only because most of my friends are already married, or married and divorced. I've thought a lot about weddings and what I would do different, and so I have a few invaluable wedding tips for any newly engaged couple out there. 

I would venture to say that some of these "tips" are things that most people won't tell you. Because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I have no fear of hurting people's feelings because I generally notice that no one takes my advice. That doesn't stop me from dishing it out though. 

My main tip would be, DON'T be a bridezilla. Nothing is so important as to piss off your future spouse or parents or in-laws. Try to be considerate, this is your family, after all. Also...

• Don't get married in June, July, or August. If you insist on nice weather, do May, September, or October. Why, you ask? The summer is just way too busy for most people. You included. I know you are excited to get married and all, but if it is a perfectly gorgeous day, without a cloud in the sky and it is 85 degrees outside, you will kicking yourself that you can't be in a bathing suit. And ladies? Those dresses are fucking hot. No other way to look at it. At least you get to have bare arms...the poor guys are wearing 2 layers of long sleeves!
• Spend money on kick-ass reception entertainment. Because even if your food sucks or your reception is in a barn, everyone will remember how much fun they had dancing the night away.
• Try not to get caught up in the minute details of flowers and how your bridesmaids wear their hair. Trust me, you won't even see the flowers, and let the girls do their hair however it looks best on them. Don't need everyone talking about the pretty sister with the 80s hair-do.
• Speaking of attendants, keep it to a minimum. I am talking siblings ONLY. Inform your friends that they are required at all bachlorette parties and bridal showers, but you aren't forcing them to spend a ton of money on dresses and shoes that they will never wear again. (trust me, they will thank you for this.) This is a plus for you because it is less for you to manage on your big day, and you will save money not buying THEM gifts. If they are true friends, they will be there for everything and still be your friend after the wedding.
• Another tip is to hire a wedding planner. Yes, I am recommending spending money on a wedding planner. That way, you don't have to delegate tiny details to people who would rather enjoy the day with you, and there is someone to handle the tiny details. You can use this person as much or as little as you'd like. But at a bare minimum, they need to be there the day before and the day of the wedding and know everything that you want. In detail. So you can then forget about the details that you won't notice anyway.
• DO think of the little details that will make the day more enjoyable for your guests. Have a lot of people coming in from out-of-town? Put together a little welcome packet to be given to them at the hotel. Expect the party to continue after the reception? Arrange for transportation to the preferred bar. Yes, some things cost a little extra, but it is those same things that people will remember for years to come.
• Elope. Yep. If you can stomach the thought of not having the big wedding, and kind of like the idea of getting married on the beach or on top of a mountain, DO IT.

I am sure that I've got more ideas mulling around my head, but since it has been almost 5 years since I did it myself, I forget them. Lots has happened since 2006, and planning a wedding is kind of one of those events that you stress so much about, you forget the pain of it afterwards. Or maybe it was the open bar at my wedding...

Vacation, Puppy, and K

So...yeah. It has been a while since I blogged, and I have SO MUCH I wanted to tell ya'll.

Like how I spent the weekend in Puerto Rico. And got told to Fuck Off.

Like how my new puppy is almost housebroken, but does not know the command Lay Down. Or Off. But does know "with me", as in "walk with me." (I use that instead of "heel", I think it sounds more natural.)

Or how I hope to get my carpets cleaned this weekend. I am sure you guys are SUPER excited about that.

But the biggest thing is that K left us. I mean, she moved out and is going to her sister's wedding, and then to teach at camp for the summer and then going to grad school. And by left us, I mean me.  

While we were in Puerto Rico, she moved all of her stuff out. And even Fonz was sad. And then we got back and went to lunch and I took a nap. And when I got up, it was time for her to go.

I cried. I'm not going to lie. This is a girl who has been here for 6 months and wormed her way into our hearts. When Workaholic was, you know, working, she was here, chatting it up with me. We are both the youngest of a family of girls, raised Catholic, and played sports. (She was much better than me.) She got me, and I think I got her. 

When Sam was throwing temper tantrums and I wanted to toss her out the back door, K lovingly put her on the steps and told her to "think about it", and HOLY SHIT THAT WORKED! When Charlie did her annoying whiny cry, instead of just putting her in bed like I would have, K figured out that she loved to be put in front of the mirror.

K taught us how to Skype.

There are so many more ways that she just made our lives better. This morning, first thing, Sam asked for her. She knows that she isn't coming back, that she is going to school. It makes me super, duper sad that there is a chance we might never see her again. But hopefully, between facebook and Skype and Twitter, we can stay in touch.

Because even though Charlie most certainly won't remember her, and Sam will only have vague memories of her, I will never forget her. Miss you K!!

Sam's First True Love

So for the past 6 months or so, we've had a nanny who watches the girls. I call her K.

K is leaving us in a week. I'm really upset by this. I understand, she is moving on with her life, going to grad school and being an adult, but I am really going to miss her. As are Sam and Charlie. But really, I think I am going to miss her the most. She is just like me, but 10 years younger, and smarter.

One of the reasons that K has been awesome in that her boyfriend lives in Scotland. Like, the country. So every night, after I got home, she would go and get on Skype with him. And inevitably, Sam would go and get on Skype with him. Skype is where she first fell in love.

His name is Steven. Sam calls him Stevie. So now, we all call him Stevie. Poor guy.

K and Stevie are going to work on the east coast together for the summer, so he came in from Scotland last week. Sam got to go with K to pick him up at the airport. She held this sign, I bet she looked so damn cute. (notice Sam's scribble additions to the sign) I guess in Scotland they don't say "hey", they say "oi".

The whole way home from the airport, Sam would yell, "STEVIE!!!!" And he would turn and look at her and she'd cock her head and smile and say, "Whadda ya doin'?"

When I got home from work the first day he was here, I walked in and she is sitting on the couch and he is putting her Converse sneakers on. Which are a BITCH to put on. And when he was done she just wanted to sit in his lap.

Today, he was taking a nap while K was showing the new K the ropes, and Sam ran into the room where he was sleeping. When K went in, Sam was laying on top of Stevie. She smiled at K and sweetly said, "I'm stealing your boyfriend."

Sam also now calls him "My Stevie." As in, "We have to go home now and see My Stevie."

I am now dealing with the fact that I am losing K, Sam is losing Stevie, and I need to learn how to use Skype. Because that way, at least we can still see each other.



It is a Good Day

This weekend was a roller coaster of emotions.

I spent all weekend watching the royal wedding.  I had long ago given up the hope of ever becoming a princess, and I had long ago given up the desire to ever want to become a princess. Diana's short life and tragic death made it seem like the whole royalty thing just wasn't worth it. And then Kate Middleton came along and now I want to be a princess again.

I also read a lot about the tornado damage in the South. Hundreds of people are dead, devastation reigns. Homes lost, family treasures destroyed. A massive clean-up under way. I feel sad for those people, but yet it is so many miles away, I can't help but feel removed from it. I've never lived through a tornado, and I hope I never will. So I feel sad, yet thankful.

And then last night. Osama bin Laden is dead. The memories of September 11th creep into my mind. I try to keep them at bay...waking up to my mom telling me that a plane crashed into the Twin Towers, turning on the TV and not turning it off. Laying in bed, transfixed. Wondering if people would be able to survive in the rubble until they were saved after the collapse, not even realizing that they wouldn't have been able to survive the collapse.  Hearing the updates of how many planes were left in flight after US airspace was closed. All flights grounded.

And now, the modern day definition of evil is dead. I can't think of 9/11 without tearing up. I had no personal connection to anyone who died, yet it forever affected me, much like it did all Americans. It changed our way of life. It took our innocence, our misguided feelings of safety and security since we were an ocean away from all the violence on the other side of the world.

I am proud to be an American today. I am so happy that I can look at this face, and feel hope for the future today. In the words of Gracie Lou Freebush, "I really do want world peace."

I'm Just Trying to Help

Since K is leaving us in May, we are on the hunt for a new nanny for the girls. We've had some good applicants, and then, well...there are some others. Below is a helpful list of what NOT to say if you are applying for a job with a family.

• If the title of the job is "Live-In Nanny" or "Live-Out Nanny", please do not respond and say, "It sounds like a perfect job for me, except for the Live-in/Live-out part. There is a reason that is the TITLE OF THE JOB.
• The proper spelling of the shortened version of advertisement is "ad". Not add. ADD is a form of developmental disorder.
• If you are a smoker, don't apply for a nanny job that states only non-smokers should apply.
• Don't apply for a live-in position if you have your own kids, that you want to bring with you. Enough said.
• Use punctuation. And spell check. And proper grammer. i.e. YOUR is not spelled ur. I am is not abbreviated im. The beginning of every sentence should start with a capital letter.
• Don't offer childcare in your home if the ad specifically states an in-home nanny is desired. The parents have probably looked into daycare before, and prefer not to have to drag their kids out of bed in the morning and get them ready to take them to someone else's house.
• Do NOT complain about your current job when responding to an ad. You come across as whiny.
• Do not tell me about your physical ailments when I am asking you to care for two children under the age of two. If you have a back problem you feel is necessary to tell me about, then this job may not be for you.

Thanks, and you are welcome.

Yep, I'm Venting Again

I've written before about how I don't handle change well. Change translates to stress, and I don't do that well either. My mom says I come by it honestly, as my dad tends to freak out when things go the way of the unexpected.

What I didn't realize, and learned this morning by a nice (virtual) slap in the face, is that I also don't like changes to my routine. At all. Unless they are on my terms. 

For whatever reason, Sam woke up around 4am crying for daddy. So of course, I woke him up. (what else was I supposed to do?) So you know what he does? Brings her in bed with us. Let me explain that we do not co-sleep. I don't even want to begin the process of my kids crawling in bed with us at all hours of the night. Because, as I have written about before, I need my sleep.

And within 30 seconds of Sam falling back asleep in our bed, Workaholics alarm goes off. So he gets up, and leaves Sam in my bed. How exactly am I supposed to get ready if I am tiptoeing around a 2 year old, trying to not wake her so she'll sleep until 9am??

I get up and feed the dogs, and at this point I usually walk them. However, I am not comfortable leaving Sam free to roam the house should she wake up. (she normally is still in a crib) I ask Workaholic if he'll stay until I get back from my walk and am promptly shot down. He needs to get to work.

So I say screw it, and take the walk anyway. Fuming the whole way, pissed off that Fonz is wandering into my neighbors' backyards, and pissed off that Kale has decided that he must try to eat every earthworm on the sidewalk. (Did I mention it has rained for days? Which means that every earthworm in the ground has decided to die on the sidewalk?) Do you know how disgusting it is to see a black 10 week old puppy look up at you when you call his name with a worm dangling from his snout? Vomit. I am also pissed that he doesn't seem to want to walk on a leash; as it is totally realistic that I expect a 10 week old puppy to heel perfectly at my side.

I got home, got in the shower, and have managed to make it to my office in the basement without waking the kids. So all of my freaking out was for no good reason. I don't know why I haven't learned by now that my freaking out is generally for no good reason.

I am getting a massage today. All I can say is that I can. not. wait.

He Really Does Exist

One of my facebook friends is in the Cayman Islands this week. And he has been posting all kinds of wonderful things like, :"HEAVEN" and "Just got back to my room and there were 4 beers waiting for me on ice" and "I so needed this vacation". (like the rest of us don't need one!) Anyway, most of the time when I have been reading his posts I resist the urge to reach through my computer screen and wring his now-well-tanned neck, because I am sure that he really DID need the vacation and I shouldn't take my stress out on an ex-boyfriend who likes to gloat on facebook about how he is in the lap of luxury, and really maybe I should just go and get a massage.

My point it, one of his posts was this picture, accompanied by him saying, "I DARE you to tell me God doesn't exist."

The whole God existing question is not even a presence in my mind, I know He does and that is just that. But every once in a while, He likes to remind me.

Shortly after I had Samantha, I wrote this post.  I hadn't been getting much sleep since she was born, and I got 8 hours right when I needed it. And then, at 7 1/2 weeks, Sam started sleeping through the night. Had she gone any longer, I don't know how much more I would have been able to take. I need my sleep, otherwise I might get all crazy on my kid. So God made her sleep and she has been a sleeping champ ever since.

Last weekend, I got a new puppy. His name is Kale and he is 9 weeks old. And guess what? He doesn't sleep through the night. I have to get up and let him out once. But the weird thing? Charlie was sporadically waking at night, usually around 3:30am, pissed off at something. I never would pick her up, usually just pop the pacifier back in her mouth or cover her up or roll her from her stomach to her back since she refuses to do that herself. But still...I was randomly getting up at 3:30 am.

And now? Charlie is sleeping through the night. So I don't have to get up with her at 3:30am, and then with Kale whenever he decides that he has to pee. (And then NOT want to go back to sleep.)

Also? Charlie always got up before 7am. Always. She would wake up in a great fucking mood and I would have to get up, change her diaper, feed her, and then usually start my day. But now, my day starts at 6am anyway, because a certain 9 week old Flat Coat wants to get up at that time. But Charlie? Has now decided to sleep in until almost 8am. Which. Is. Awesome. 

Because that way, I can take the dogs for a walk, and feed them, and then take them back outside without having to worry about Charlie. I don't worry that she'll get up while I am gone, she gives me the time to take care of the pups and the cat and shower and get ready. Then she wakes up. It is kind of awesome.

Now, I am not even going to pretend that my children have some sort of super power that tells them how to help their mom out when she really needs it. And while I do think there is such a thing as luck, and karma, but I would much rather chalk it up to the fact that God does really exist. And the proof is in that He has made it possible for me to have this new puppy and not lose my mind. And for that, I'll thank Him in my prayers every night.